This post is a little late in making it to publication. It’s been sitting in my Drafts folder for several days, unsure of how to lift the words from inside itself.
Maybe I’m still a little unsure, myself, of how to process it all…
Sometimes our daily choices in life aren’t really a big deal. Sometimes they feel like our whole world is hinged upon them. That our entire future is split behind the turning of this way or that, the first precarious steps toward a singular direction.
And then I remember.
He has made known to us the path of life. And we follow the One who goes before us.
Tomorrow, we sit down with our social worker in Raleigh to review our “adoption preferences.” It’s the first meeting of our home assessment, now that our paperwork is finished. It’s a point at which we actually have a say in the child we will bring into our home and into our lives. Our very first child.
And it’s the strangest position to be in…
Here are two of the pages we’ve had to review, to give you an idea of what I’m talking about:
At first glance, you might think you know what you would say. You might think of course for this and no way for that. But to actually sit down and make those calls… It’s harder than it looks.
I’m not going to get into all of our specific preferences. They are always going to depend and vary from family to family, not better or worse, and entirely dependent upon individual situations — not to mention God’s leading. I will say that we are not going to specify gender and that, for us, transracial placement is a Yes. Beyond that, we are praying through and seeking God toward what He has for us.
We certainly don’t want to say a Yes out of guilt. Or a No out of fear. To be honest, when I look at these lists, I want to consider a lot… That’s just the bare truth. And then a voice of reason reminds, based on our current realities, what is actually smart and best for the child?
What I often can’t help but think about is, if I were pregnant, we would be steadfast in prayer for a healthy baby. So often when you hear a couple asked if they want a boy or girl, they simply say, “as long as he or she is healthy.” We would never pray for a child to be born to struggle with a visual impairment. But here, we have the choice to say ahead of time either as healthy a child as possible or that we would be open to things we would never actually pray for biologically…
While I know deep inside the several preferences toward which I lean, it still isn’t comfortable to feel like I am “playing God.” I don’t think I want that kind of power. I worry about regretting not choosing one thing over another. As much as we humans want our control more often than not, there are definitely some decisions I simply would rather not have to make. Especially when the implications of a choice feel like they hold so much weight… I can’t even decide where to eat when Trey and I choose to go out! Sometimes it’s easier to simply let someone else decide. Especially when that Someone is the One you know you can trust, who sees all things, knows all things, and is ultimately good.
And then I remember…
He already has.
In His sovereign, perfect plan He has already chosen the child whom we will be privileged to parent. And nothing we “choose” will be outside of His plans. He has already decided the way in which our stories will intersect. And every detail in which a description or term will never be able to define the lovingly, thoughtfully created child they will be. His ways are so much higher and greater than our ways. We are far too small to “mess up” what He has ordained. Even if what we say we want to consider is the opposite of what we eventually, joyfully, receive with open hands, I am reminded this week, “To obey is better than sacrifice” (1 Samuel 15:22).
And so my prayer is not that we would make all the “right” decisions. It’s that we will continue walking in His will. That we will follow and obey His leading, and trust Him with all that we know at this time and even all we have not yet seen.
That we approach this day in confidence of the Spirit’s guidance.
With that hopeful expectation that undergirds every step of this amazing process.
With tremendous gratitude and humility that He would even allow us to be a part of it.
And with the fullness of joy in His presence.